So, things didn’t go all that well with the thing I talked about last week. It’s not that I didn’t try; it’s that I may have tried too hard. The last thing I want is to alienate, and I don’t think I went that far, but I was inherently careful about everything I did or said after the rodeo Friday night.
The rodeo was incredible — one of the best times I can remember having in a long time. She was able to drag me on a few rides of the spinning and vomiting nature, and I got a little sick, but it was a lot of fun. I pretty much screamed like a little girl on the Zipper, and I was really embarassed when I walked off the ride and proceeded to walk around in little circles until I could get my balance.
The rodeo itself was a lot of fun, too. I’m not sure I could handle it for more than one night each year, but there was a lot of sick throws from the bulls. One guy even got kicked in the side of the head, and it was pretty nasty; so nasty, in fact, that we were told later on that his neck had actually been broken. My favorite event was probably the one where all the kids go out and chase the calves around the arena, trying to tag them so they can turn around and raise them for the next year and then show them off at the next rodeo. It was hilarious to watch kids getting dragged around the arena, holding on for dear life to the tail of the calf they’re trying to capture. Good times.
So yes, the rodeo was fun. The girl and I click on seemingly every level, and I dropped her off feeling even more smitten than I was before, and perhaps a little more confident about my feelings than I was before the night began. Strangely, I felt smitten even though she was talking about this guy who likes her, and how she might like him, but I didn’t care, because all I wanted to do was show her a good time and show her that I can treat her for the great person she is. That’s my mentality in a relationship, and I’ve never backed down from that or made any qualms about my belief that women should be put up on a pedestal and treated with respect, dignity, and as much affection as I can muster. I’ve often been made fun of my buddies who say I’m “whipped” or “not a man”, but it’s the way I was raised and it’s what I believe in. Maybe I’m old fashioned and perhaps I’m not realistic, but it’s what I do and will continue to do. At the end of my last relationship with my long-time best friend and love, I broke down and said something that was hurtful. I’d never intentionally hurt her before, and I let my guard down for two seconds out of anger and said something that I would give absolutely anything to be able to take back. The problem with words, however, is that you can’t take em’ back, and all of the begging and pleading in the world can’t win you true forgiveness unless the other person really wants to give it to you. I am truly sorry, however, and I think that somewhere deep down my ex truly knows that the thing I said that night wasn’t truly me, but it was me speaking out of anger.
So even though this girl doesn’t seem to have a clue that I like her, it’s not keeping me from contiuing to try. She’s too much fun not to at least give it a great attempt, and so I’ll continue to do so, at least until I leave for Iraq. If nothing’s going by the time I leave for Iraq, then I suppose I’ll have to just let it go for the rest of the year and see what happens when I get back. And yes, I still am hung up on my ex, so it’s really difficult to do this, but I feel like I need to do it for me, for my future, and for whatever comes down the road when I leave the Army.