What Am I Up To?

I haven’t written anything on here in awhile. That’s my bad. I could tell you that I’ve been busy, that I haven’t had time. But the truth is that I have had time. I just haven’t written.

When the breakup happened in August, I went through a phase where I wrote down my feelings. All of them. And at first, I published them here for the world to read. But then I realized that was probably a bad idea, so I put them behind password protection. I wrote for therapy and to make myself feel better. It was a suggestion from my therapist, and it worked to an extent. I did feel better after venting my feelings.

But then I realized I was probably oversharing. I also realized that my intentions behind the writing I did were something like: my ex will read these posts, and then she will get back together with me. It seemed so simple at the time.

Life is not so simple.

So I decided to stop letting everyone in the world read about my heartache. I kept talking to those close to me. I kept a handwritten journal. I kept seeing my therapist. And, wonder of wonders, I got better. I started focusing on my health and the food I take in. I turned daily visits to the gym into a habit. In doing so, I dropped all the way to 184 pounds. I started at 216 pounds in August. I’ve lost 10% body fat.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. My body looks drastically different than it did three months ago. I have visible muscles, and I can feel strength I’ve never had.

I feel like the changes in my body are a visible reminder of the changes that occurred inside of me, too. I have gone through a lot over the past three months, but I came out the other side stronger than ever. I am happy and I smile and I laugh a lot. My friends have noticed the change in me, and that makes me happy. And I have made one new close friend, and I value her greatly.

I finished the Whole Life Challenge. That’s where the majority of my weight loss happened. Brandy and I tied for first place, and our team finished in the top 80 in the entire world. I enjoyed it so much that I’ll be doing it again in January.

Yesterday, I started a three week weight cut. It’s the same cut used by Mike Dolce when he’s helping fighters cut. My goal is to get down to 170 pounds by December 16. I’m going home for Christmas on December 17, and I’d like to be as small as I can possibly be. I also want to see what fighters experience when they’re going through weight cuts, because I feel like it will give me some perspective. And thus far, I feel great; I’m eating 100% clean foods, and I have tons of energy throughout the day. We’ll see how I feel on December 16 when I get ready to weigh in; for now, I am happy.

And that’s the thing. I’m happy. I have come a long, long way. There have been painful moments over the past three months. I am sure there will be painful moments in the future. But I know I’m equipped to handle them now.